Freelancing stressing you out? Here’s a solution.
There was a fact on QI that said you could warm your car overnight with the heat from only a small tea light. More impressive is that this would work even in freezing conditions.
In my opinion, it’s always good to know facts. But this one seemed to be top-of-mind when I first entered the world of freelancing. Unsettlingly so. Mainly because I couldn’t stop imagining myself needing to use it.
Working for yourself – especially when you’re just starting out – can bring up intrusive thoughts and anxieties. How do I win work? Why are none of my proposals being accepted? Will I be able to pay rent? Should I start stocking up on tea lights?
Rather than letting these fears take hold (and they will, happily), I use the milk carton rule and a statement of the week to keep them at bay.
What is the milk carton rule?
In short, the milk carton rule says that you should focus on things that you can change rather than dwelling on those you can’t. Simple enough to say, but, if you give it just a few seconds’ thought, quite difficult to do.
The idea comes from a psychology textbook and uses the example of a real-life cohabiting couple (whose names were, naturally, changed) to elucidate how you can take control of a situation you perceive as challenging.
Here’s the scenario:
Vicky wakes up early every morning, makes coffee and heads to the office. More often than not, they forget to put the milk they use for their coffee back in the fridge. When Peter wakes up later and goes to the kitchen, they find the carton of warm milk on the counter.
Peter gets frustrated and confronts Vicky. Vicky apologises, but continues to make the same mistake. This happens over and over again until Peter’s frustration boils over and they have a huge argument.
When Peter speaks to their therapist about it, the therapist asks them about how often the milk is left out and how many years this has been going on.
“It happens all the time, probably for at least the past 10 years,” Peter explains.
Then the conversation goes something like this:
T: “Is your reaction based on what A does, or what you want them to do?”
P: “I base it on what’s right and what A would do if they loved me.”
T: “To confirm – A has done this hundreds, possibly thousands, of times?”
P: “Yes. They don’t care about my feelings at all!”
T: “So, after hundreds – or thousands – of times, you’re still shocked by Vicky’s behaviour? Should you not expecting them to leave the milk out?”
P: …
T: “Are you basing your expectation on what you want or what Vicky has done?”
P: “I suppose on what I want.”
T: “How do you think you would you feel basing on your expectation on what Vicky does, rather than what you want them to do?”
P: “I probably wouldn’t be so angry. I’d just buy two cartons of milk.”
Although it’s most commonly applied when thinking about interpersonal relationships, this principle can easily be used to quell anxieties you may have around your work.
Dwelling on the problem and demanding a different reality – or, as the experts call it, “expectancy-reality-discrepancy” – causes unnecessary disappointment and places us in a cycle of frustration and prevents us from seeing a solution.
What it illustrates is that once you acknowledge the reality of a situation (the milk gets left out or you’re not winning business) rather than focusing on the way we think things should be playing out (the milk should go back in the fridge or more clients should want to work with you), you free up space in your mind to solve the problem.
How to apply the milk carton rule as a newbie freelancer
There are plenty of opportunities to apply the milk carton rule in business. Consistent missed payment dates by some clients or having other contractors repeatedly miss deadlines are two that come to mind. But when you’re starting out, one of your main stressors will be winning new business.
While there is a lot that you can do to bring new clients on board, the road to building your customer base is often scattered with red lights. Which leaves you with a bunch of time on your hands while projects get approved or briefed.
Rather than simply ‘waiting it out’ or going after even more work (which can end with you having way too much on your plate), you can apply the milk carton rule.
My favourite way to do this is implementing a “Statement of the Week”.
Make a Statement of the Week
When I was first starting out as a freelancer, I hadn’t written much under my own byline. Much of my work on in-house marketing teams had revolved around content management and when I did write, it was usually under someone else’s name. Which meant that I was missing out on potential gigs.
This was incredibly frustrating. I had the skills and experience, it was all there on my CV, but still no one was hiring me.
During a particularly bad spiral, I heard about the milk carton rule. And I decided to give it a try.
I thought about what I could do as opposed to what I wished would happen to change my situation. Rather than hoping clients would read my CV and see that I had the necessary experience, I had to show them that I could write.
So, I decided to do just that. And I decided to set myself a Statement of the Week: “I will write one thing every day”. By the end of the week, I’d written five things. The next week, I said, “I will get a Hubspot Certification.” And I did.
Why does a Statement of the Week work?
Rather than a goal, which can seem like a lofty desire you’re hoping to reach, using a statement requires you distill what you want to do into an actionable item. Although it does help to apply the SMART goals method to do this.
This changes your mindset about the thing you’re going to do. (You can even see it in that sentence; if we were talking about a “goal” for the week, I’d likely have said “want to do” rather than “going to do”.)
When you’re feeling frustrated or discouraged, this change in mindset can go a long way to helping you overcome a challenge. Or simply change how you perceive it. Both of which will help to reduce the stress or anxiety surrounding the situation.
At present, I’ve written loads of things (this post being one of them) and brushed up on much of the foundational knowledge I need to do my job. Which helps me win more clients and provide better services.
All because I make a statement every week.
Featured image by Matthew Henry on Unsplash
